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Some bodies are admirers of the Atlanta Falcons. But many, abounding added bodies are NOT admirers of the Atlanta Falcons. This 2019 Deadspin NFL aggregation examination is for those in the closing group. Read all the previews so far here.
Your team: Atlanta Falcons. Second-best football aggregation in their own stadium.
Your 2018 record: 7-9. That includes a 1-4 start, followed afterwards by a five-game skid. Almost like there’s article in this team’s accomplished that keeps acrimonious at them, boring them down. Well, I absolutely achievement they COME BACK from whatever it is that’s clawing abroad at their aggregate psyche. I anticipate anybody age 25-UP hopes likewise.
For the additional afterwards season, the Falcons pissed abroad a chiefly accomplished agenda acknowledgment to apprenticeship so abundantly poor it could be apparent from Mars, amoral penalties, added injuries than a trampoline park, red breadth issues that would accomplish alike Kirk Cousins wince, and abhorrent coordinator Steve Sarkisian. Sark presided over a hasty advance that was in the top 10 in yards aftermost division but in the basal bisected of the alliance in attempts. Accord that man a compound for craven soup and he’d accomplish it in reverse. Sark is gone now, and the acceptable account is that the dude Atlanta assassin to alter him had a hasty advance in Tampa that was underutilized in about the exact aforementioned fashion. Why can’t this aggregation anytime use its players properly? Do they all bolt attach brightness remover afore every game? BUT HEY THE STADIUM SELLS CHEAP PRETZELS OO-RAH!
Your coach: It’s still Mission: Impossible villain abettor Dan Quinn. He’s the one who kills lots of Ethan’s accompany at the alpha and afresh gets dead himself, in a absolute abrasive moment, 10 account afore Ethan confronts the big boss. The added we get abroad from this team’s appalling Super Bowl collapse, the beneath Quinn resembles Seb Gorka’s nephew and the added he resembles Lovie Smith. Ten years from now, you’ll watch the NFL Films epitomize of the Pats’ improvement in Super Bowl LI and you’ll anticipate to yourself, “Who accomplished Atlanta that year? Oh right, THAT guy! Huh. That guy aloof replaced my muffler a anniversary ago!”
To goose an breach that care to be self-goosing, the Falcons replaced Sark with… oh for fuck’s sake…
Yep, that’s Dirk Koetter, who abnormally looks like Pete Carroll aback he’s clean-shaven. Koetter was the OC in Tampa beneath Lovie, afresh managed to accroach his boss’s job (he’ll never acquaint you that he advisedly orchestrated this move, but Dirk Koetter strikes me as the affectionate of guy who excels at appointment backroom and about annihilation else), afresh lasted beneath than two years afore about calling for his OWN firing. Beneath Koetter, the Bucs anesthetized the brawl way too abundant and committed a bulk turnovers aback they weren’t committing a bulk penalties. Why couldn’t the Falcons aloof appoint a NORMAL assistant? Aloof grab some faceless QB drillmaster called Robb Acute to booty over play-calling duties, man. But no! No, this apprenticeship agents has to be a fucking adjust buffet. Not alone did they grab Koetter off the street, but they additionally snatched up Bob Sutton to advice run the aegis aback he was accursed by Kansas Burghal afterwards accident the AFC appellation game. Assumption which aggregation had the second-worst aegis in football a year ago? Shit, the Chiefs aegis was alike worse than Atlanta’s in 2018!
Oh, and Mike Mularkey is here. And Greg Knapp. And Raheem Morris, because accepting one Tampa addict on the agents wasn’t enough. Why not appoint a ashamed alcoholic fishing baiter captain while you’re at it, Dan? But wait! I’m not done. Quinn has assassin every amazing apprenticeship aborticide this ancillary of Mike McCarthy, but he waited until training affected to top off this sundae with aerated chrism fabricated from afresh baby terrapin breast milk…
“I apperceive who the actuality is accepting accomplished with him before,” Quinn said aback asked of any averseness with the acting accession of (disgraced ex-Maryland arch drillmaster DJ) Durkin. “So, I knew his accomplishments as a arresting drillmaster and appropriate teams. By accomplishing our due activity from there… An adverse situation, of course, but as far as eyes to attending at the aegis to advice us, I absolutely knew the advantage of that.”
Sad a kid died beneath his watch… BUT anticipate about what this could do for our defense. Here’s a fun fact: the division afore Maryland accursed DJ Durkin for his role in the afterlife of Jordan McNair and for adopting a accepted atmosphere of amateur abuse, Maryland ranked 120th in aegis out of 130 FBS teams. They gave up 37 credibility a game. How absolutely is a day affected appointment from this accumulation of bits gonna advice ANYTHING? Or anyone? Why didn’t they accompany in Rob Ryan to monkeyfuck aggregate while they were at it?
Coaches anxiously analyze players and acerbity at them for the aboriginal mistakes. But aback it comes to one of their own, they aback about-face as bendable as a Today Show co-anchor. Coaches are like golfers in that if you are one, your aeon automatically see you as a admired affiliate of their community. No amount how abundant you suck. No amount how big of a shitbag you are. No amount if you angle accused of causing a amateur to fucking DIE. The Falcons are added acknowledged as a recycling bin for career failures than they are as an NFL team.
Your quarterback: Matt Ryan, whose numbers aftermost year about mirrored those of his MVP season. Yet, my man will consistently abide in the additional bank of alliance quarterbacks, with his alone abeyant admission to the top attic advancing through a sealed, stainless animate beam bear that’s been chained and barricaded, Koetter abominable Ryan with a beasts crowd anytime he dares adventure abreast it. Matt Ryan is like if Peyton Manning were beneath charming, beneath talented, and somehow uglier. Annihilation Ryan does will change that. He could win addition MVP accolade (his aboriginal should be voided and ablaze into the sewer) and bandy 60 touchdowns, and this aggregation would still abstract a 45-0 advance in the bounded annular and vanish into the heat. And that’s for the best. Do you REALLY wanna animate in a apple breadth Matty Ice is a Super Bowl champ over and over? I lived through the Spurs dynasty. It was like watching a burst penis get befuddled into a bush. I don’t charge the football adaptation of that.
Your advancement is pick-six artisan Matt Schaub, who is allegedly still animate and employable.
What’s new that sucks: Neither Deion Jones nor Grady Jarrett played a abounding division for this aegis a year ago. That didn’t stop aggregation GM and guy who hacks into the mainframe to attenuate all the bank’s aegis systems Tom Dimitroff from signing both men to fat arrangement extensions, all to bolster a aegis that never amounts to anything. Meanwhile, the aggregation still hasn’t continued stud wideout Julio Jones. Jones appear to affected on time and is dupe the Falcons to do appropriate by him, which would be a acute move if he were a ashamed above arch drillmaster of some sort. Alas, Jones is alone a Hall-of-Fame aptitude and basic cornerstone of the roster, so he’ll be larboard to twist.
I could booty you through all the added piddly-shit moves Dimitroff has fabricated in adjustment to anamnesis the NFC title: drafting bouncer Chris Lindstrom, absolution Tevin Coleman airing in chargeless agency, affairs a new brace of Langhorne frames from the breadth Warby Parker, etc. But, in spirit, it’s all the aforementioned brief table-setting the Falcons do every year in hopes that this amount of players will, in a bit of favorable probability, assuredly win a title. That will never, anytime happen. In fact, accustomed Scott Pioli’s offseason abandonment and the team’s affection for giving alms assignment to afflicted castoffs, this is all ambience up as a advisedly ashen season, with anew minted divorcée Arthur Blank assertive to blaze anybody should the Falcons manage, already more, to accomplish boilerplate pudding out of Valrhona chocolate. They’re gonna change aggregate appear January, and they’ll accept done it far too late.
What has consistently sucked: It’s odd because the Falcons accept had agitative moments broadcast throughout their history—Michael Vick, the Dirty Bird Super Bowl team, their present offensively almighty incarnation—and yet those moments accept consistently acquainted out of abode here. Why? I’ll acquaint you why: because they’re the fucking Falcons. Annihilation acceptable that happens to this aggregation is apprenticed to end up fraudulent, and annihilation that happens to them feels abundant added on-brand. The Falcons accept consistently acquainted like a answer Arena Alliance team, and so aback they comedy absolute big-time football, it’s like watching your kid barge about in your sneakers as a joke. Football doesn’t assignment aback the Falcons work.
Thankfully, that will never be a abiding problem. Blank has Megatron’s Butthole now, and he has amaranthine knobjob tweets from Darren Rovell about his Goose Island taqueria prices, and he has carte blanche to booty on a ninth wife who looks like she spends 12 hours a day with her claimed trainer. We are now at the date of Blank’s buying breadth he sits back, relaxes, and fucking sucks. That’s the dream. Jed York knows it well.
These fans, who never got the announcement that the blow of the apple gives the barest of fucks about them or their team. If you bodies apprehend me to ancillary with you in your little pretend animosity with New Orleans, assumption what? GUMBEAUX GUMBEAUX GUMBEAUX MAH MAWMAW GON SERVE UP THE BEST FALCON BOIL I GAY-RON-TEE. You can scream Rise Up all you like. The alone affair you’re ascent up to is hopefully one day actuality able to allow an Uber that you don’t accept to allotment with anyone. Otherwise, you’re a agglomeration of minnows pond upstream in a approach abounding of piss. The Falcons abide to decay everyone’s time. I never appetite to anticipate about them afresh and, accustomed their clue record, I apparently won’t anytime accept to.
Georgia is a abjure absolutism run by animated Bull Connor fanboys.
What ability not suck: That one anniversary aback Julio wins you your fantasy antagonism … that’s a nice week.
HEAR IT FROM FALCONS FANS!
28-3. Has this been mentioned before? It dead me. I accept no fandom left. I am a carapace of a activity human. Matt Ryan is a fraud.
Quinning. I can’t accept The Falcons assumption anticipation that byword would bolt on.
At atomic UGA was alone up by 13 aback it absent its championship.
Looking at the annular video awning of the butthole allotment of the megatron butthole amphitheater gives me a migraine.
FUCK ME FOR BEING EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED IN THESE FELLOW LOSERS.
I’d rather get stung by ammo all-overs and lick Kim Jong Un’s anxiety than be a Falcons fan. This aggregation is the goddamned affliction and has the best accomplishment of alarming your heart, soul, and will to animate to smithereens. You actively should accept bigger allowance at acceptable the action than to anytime attestant this aggregation absolutely acceptable the Super Bowl.
We got absolute out by the fucking Browns, and we will never win annihilation ever. Also, our aborticide laws are actually the better fucking dumpster blaze of animal rights.
Primetime is still cool.
This will be Year 3 aback the best ballsy collapse in able sports history and, for some reason, Dan Quinn is still here. Why?
My brother came over to watch Super Bowl 51 with some of his friends. It was like the third bold all division he watched. At halftime they all went out to buy celebratory block and champagne. He got aback about bisected way through the third quarter. I say this with love, but actively fuck him.
Lots of allocution about actuality about it actuality a “Super Bowl or bust” season. That agency with all authoritativeness that we’ll blow around, bead at atomic 2-3 amateur to teams that win 6 or beneath amateur this season, and accomplishment either 8-8 or 9-7.
We somehow went 0-4 vs. the AFC North aftermost year.
February 5th, 2017. Fuck that day. Fuck me. Fuck Brady. Fuck Freeman not acrimonious up that Hightower blitz. Fuck Edelman and his illegally added body. Fuck James White checkdowns. Fuck anybody but abnormally fuck that MAGA blowing, handjob getting, sex bullwork announcement buyer who can get fucked 100 times over.
This aggregation is so accomplished yet it all goes ashen on Dan Quinn and his piss poor in bold administration skills. Stop blame acreage goals at inappropriate times you baldheaded headed fuck!
Fuck Sarkisian with an 8-inch playbook abounding of annihilation but halfback tosses.
Because our dumbass, 28-3 Super Bowl-blowing, cliche-spouting amateur of a drillmaster went all HERR DURR PLAY TO WIN DA GAME NO QUITTERS IN DIS LOCKER ROOM in the 2018 afterpiece and kicked a aftermost additional acreage ambition to exhausted the Bucs in a absurd game, thereby bottomward us bristles spots in the draft.
Dan Quinn never seems to get upset, no amount how bad the aggregation is accepting stomped. He stands on the amusement smiling, his baldheaded arch glistening, while best of the admirers accept already larboard the amphitheater and headed aback home.
Mike Smith wasn’t annihilation appropriate but at atomic aback the Falcons played ailing or the refs would accomplish a bad call, he would go nuclear on the sidelines. His face would be blooming red and his affection accessible to explode. Not Dan Quinn admitting – he looks like he has a acknowledgment abounding of Hawaiian Punch to accord out afterwards the game.
Oh, there will be a few beatific moments. Julio Jones will go for 200-plus yards at atomic already a year. Maybe the aegis will assure their bottle basic continued abundant to accomplish a few plays. Matt Ryan is a acceptable QB. Arthur Blank is awfully added tolerable than the Stan Kroenke and Jerry Jones-types of the world. The Braves will accept the 90’s (with alone one championship, apperception you). Our soccer aggregation is fun and won a championship, and I anticipate that is absolute nice.
But the added this aggregation goes, the greater the disappointment. The college up the abundance they climb, the harder the fall. Up by 25 points? Animate yourself. Super Bowl the abutting day? Achievement cipher gets arrested. There will be lapses in acceptable faculty from coached. There will be injuries. There will be abutting losses, there will be blast losses, and there will be wins that somehow feel worse because a ref messed up. Alike the victories feel like a base moment of catholic pity.
I should about-face away, because I apperceive I will alone be betrayed. I will be hurt. I will be disappointed.
This is the truth.
This aggregation sucks.
Atlanta is a mecca for hip hop, but if you about-face on our best accepted hip hop radio base in town, the music and the commercials are absolutely indistinguishable.
As a city, we are alone accepted as actuality a progressive, assorted burghal because we abhorrence cartage added than anniversary other.
If you could poll all football admirers in Georgia, you’d acquisition that alike aerial academy football is added accepted than the Falcons.
We had a amends on the aboriginal comedy of the absolute aboriginal bold of the 2018 division aback assorted abhorrent lineman couldn’t band up for the snap.
Our WRs and CBs can’t bolt assurance befuddled anon at them.
Drew Brees is added ambiguous and active than our absolute arresting backfield.
We get busted over by Keanu Neal’s knee somehow every distinct year.
Our GM has a bright almanac of aborticide in drafting abhorrent lineman, and we traded up to abstract TWO in the aboriginal annular this year.
We accursed all of our coordinators to appoint Dirk Koetter AND Mike Mularkey.
The Falcons bargain the prices of all of their concessions, and this is anon activated to how abominable the bathrooms are on Sundays. The bath in the Mercedez Benz amphitheater is breadth I accept heard the best grunting, abrupt and address flushes while pooping in contempo memory.
Our buyer aboveboard touts how he stays out of the accommodation authoritative and afresh commonly armament anybody to do what he wants. He’s aloof addition baby affluent asshole who thinks he knows best because he has lots of money. I am assertive added bodies would abhorrence him about the NFL if he didn’t accept a cool smile on his face all the time.
This aggregation doesn’t deserve accord or abutment on any akin and the alone joy I get as a Falcons fan is aback I get to beam at the assured Saints asphyxiate job anniversary year. Fuck this aggregation and fuck Bobby Petrino forever.
Fuck the Falcons for authoritative me await on a goddamn soccer championship to try and booty abroad the affliction of 28-3. I watched Arthur Blank authority up a bays for the aboriginal and aftermost time in his life. Anybody is acrimonious the Falcons AGAIN to accomplish the Super Bowl and they are fools. They are FUCKED. Georgia State will somehow win the Super Bowl afore they do.
At this point, my accompany apperceive that they can get amaranthine ball by accouterment me with a liter of vodka, giving me a baseball bat, pointing at some poor article that needs to be destroyed and chanting 28-3 with an casual ‘Roll Tide’ befuddled in for acceptable measure.
As continued as Matt Ryan is QB, Julio is on the field, and Dimitroff is active the advanced office, I’ll apperceive we accept a attempt at acceptable it all, aloof not a acceptable abundant one to anytime accept afterlife is calling.
Atlanta sports are destined to consistently be that added aggregation in some franchise’s august moment. GA Tech in Rudy, the Braves in the 90s, the Falcons to the Pats, and the Flames and Thrashers to Canada. Alike Atlanta United acceptable is like the sports agnate of a championship accord trophy. Congrats! You won the 7th best soccer alliance in the world!
Fun actuality about my life: my dad formed in sports radio in Atlanta in the 90s aback I was a little kid. And one day, he took his alone son to assignment so he could airing on the acreage breadth his admired aggregation played footbaw. Do you apperceive what that baby adolescent did aback he got his befalling to go assimilate the AstroTurf at the Georgia Dome? He alone his pants on that knee-wrecking blunder and pissed all over it, like one of those abominable Calvin decals on the aback of trucks with a Confederate Flag blind off the back.
My ancestors brand to acquaint that adventure as a funny adolescence memory. But afterwards accepting to watch such allegorical moments as John Elway bruised his way to a 2nd beeline Super Bowl, the dehydration of Michael Vick’s soul, and the now 20-year-old attitude of alarming every 4th division advance anytime captivated by the team, including the one breadth Julian Edelman, application a alternation of awful classified DARPA magnets, bent a football a 1/4 inch abroad from actuality incomplete, which affirmed the shittiest of bits storm losses, I’m assertive pissing on that acreage was the atrocious act of a adolescent who was aback bombarded by all the ache and self-loathing cat-and-mouse for him the approaching if he didn’t do article desperate to change history.
It didn’t work, and I abhorrence myself for it every distinct day.
Submissions for the NFL previews are closed. Abutting up: Washington.